So Many Levels of Done
Funny to think that I am at such a level of being ‘done’, that I can’t even figure out where to begin.
My mind is swirling with thoughts and negativity; a cloud of unfortunate emotions. I can’t grab hold of any of them, but the concepts still permeate through my subconscious and change the feelings I have on every facet of the world.
Nothing has importance, and if it’s perceived that it does, there’s fault in the logic. This is the idea that swells with each waking moment. Why put forth energy into something that is destined to lead to a disappointment? Why pursue a thought that will only result in a journey into darkness? Things that would normally trigger happiness only deepen the feeling of despair, so why even look to them for guidance?
This is what it’s like in the head of somebody who relies on others for their happiness, but spends all their time alone, cut off from the world. Knowing the cause is useful only if you can prevent negative actions. The deep seeded yearning to demolish friendships and cut away the ties that bind this reliant soul to others is a hard one to resist. After all, it is the pursuit of happiness that leads to the feeling of disappointment, and that is what fuels the burning desire to rid oneself from this world. Everything would be better without the light and hope.
This is the false dichotomy, though. The cutting of ties and destruction of relationships is rarely in hopes that we will forever be left alone. These are the thoughts that overflow when we enter this state, but that is never the true goal we seek; it is the lie we feed ourselves to pursue these actions. The goal is the glimmer of light that we constantly tell ourselves is the root of our problems. We want someone to be there; to reach out and pull us out of the darkness. We want to have somebody to prove that we cannot simply sever ties and leave. And most importantly, we need to have somebody tell us that we matter. Someone who wants to keep us around. Somebody who feels we make a difference in their lives and doesn’t want us to leave.
If only we could communicate these feelings, but we cannot. The fatal flaw is that telling someone what we need somehow discredits the receipt of our desires. Too often we yearn to know that we matter, but don’t have a way to prove it to ourselves without testing the limits of the relationships around us. The ultimate problem is that testing these limits enough will eventually break every bond we have, be it lover, family, or friend. So in the ultimate search for affirmation of our existence, we are chipping away at the very thing we are looking for.
There has to be another outlet. There has to be another way to express the emotions that are cluttering our minds, because that is the only way to prevent making decisions that are only going to perpetuate the downward spiral of negativity and bad decisions. They can only lead to one place, and no one wants to make it to the bottom, no matter how much we convince ourselves otherwise.
I found mine, and I hope you’ve found yours.
April Fools! Bwahahaha
Bet you thought there was going to be an update!
Well, I guess since it’s April Fools I should make one, haha.
So what have I been doing lately? Truthfully, not too much. I have been working, being lazy, and occasionally going out to hang with friends on the weekends. I kept telling myself to be active, but the motivation had been hard to reach when the weather immediately goes back to rain, haha. I DID manage to get out and kayak on the first day of Spring, but man it was extremely cold! I was out with Panatda, it was extremely windy, and she wouldn’t let me ram us into a barge, try as I might.
Trying to hit the barge
So what has most of my energy been going towards? Budgeting! I am really focused on getting rid of my debt at the moment, and seeing those giant numbers start to fall gives me an incredible sense of satisfaction and enjoyment. I have had a credit card that I have been paying almost $1000 a year in interest, and that payment had been quite the bane of my financial existence. On Friday I will be getting my biannual “extra check” (called that so Costco doesn’t pay the taxes on it like a bonus) and have planned to pay off my largest debt. The check is an additional $2500 added on to my paycheck, and I have decided to claim exempt on my deductions for this check so I can get the most possible and get rid of the 26% interest I’ve been paying. Getting rid of this card will save me about $140 a month, so in entertainment months I’ll have more social funding, and responsible months will have much faster debt repayment of the little bit of debt I have remaining.
I’ll know tonight at midnight exactly how much money I’m getting on my check this Friday, and I can’t wait!! Rawr, time needs to hurry up!
Until next time
Snow and hiking!
It finally snowed!! We have all been talking all winter about how we keep getting promised snow to no avail, and now it finally happened! The downfall is that it happened on a Saturday night when I had plans to hang out with Jenni and some of her friends, and I was looking forward to a little social time with a new crowd. The good news is that it was almost 3 inches of snow! I took a picture when I first realized it was snowing, and again right before it stopped.
After 30-40 minutes
Almost 3 inches!
On Friday I had plans to go hiking, and I’ve been getting tired of having to use my backpacks for my hikes. They’re not designed for the weather, they’re bulky and not weighted properly, and I have been wanting to get one for a while now. I took a trip over to Sportco and realized there were so many options!
So many bags
So after browsing through the bags, I decided to get a Sierra brand camelback so I wouldn’t have to carry water bottles anymore, and after talking with Ruth, realized that I don’t need much space for the hiking that I do. I had to options to choose from.
I wonder which ones I want..
So I’m sure it’s obvious by the color schemes, but I had to choose between the two grey/green options. The bottom left was larger with more pockets, while the top right is rather minimalist and lighter. After checking out all of the pockets and storage space, I decided to pick up the smaller one and just learn how to pack better when I go for a hike.
Once I got the bag home, it was time to look at all the features it has available. Looks like it’s well designed for bicycling, as it has a helmet storage fold out. I think my favorite feature about the bag is the camelback bag itself. It’s much easier to clean and empty compared to the first one I owned. I’ll upload the pictures and caption them below.
Front view of the bag
Rear view with straps
Main storage w/camelback
Outside storage that wasn't obvious
Pull out helmet-holding mesh
Camelback out of the bag
The bag design I really like. Can't wait to test it
So I didn’t get to go hiking since Trang got sick, but I plan on using it soon. The snow might complicate that though… So for now you can have the last picture of me I tool before I shaved my beard!
The new year brought new troubles
I’ve been wanting to update for quite some time now. Plenty of things to say, but never when I want to say them. I find myself most motivated to write when I don’t have the time, and find myself in higher spirits when I do have the time.
I’m not big on blogging the down times, but I’m sure the next real post will be an insight into those, hopefully followed by plenty of food and other party posts :p
Super bowl this weekend, go Seahawks!!
Omg an update again!
So I walked to work today since the two guys at my apartment were still asleep at 2pm, so now I have time to blog!
So I only got a few pictures of working on kimmi’s sculpey. I had a somewhat fun time making it, but my focus levels dropped hard after about 2.5 hours, and at that point I was just trying to fix things and kept making it worse. I decided I would have to be happy with what I made, lol. Thanks to Gloria, I went to Daiso and got some cheap clay tools, and they were actually a really big help.
So as you can see, the wings fell off during the bake. I was kind of sad, and after all the baking cycles I had to do because of how thick the sculpture was, I didn’t have time to try and get the wings back on. I ended up going to hobby lobby again and picking up the stuff flimsy used when the ear fell off her tiger. I used my old wings as a template for the new wings, threw the paste on, and built a foil brace for the wings so they wouldn’t slide off again this time.
Turned out pretty good after all the bakes 🙂 I was still sad I couldn’t put the spikes on, and while I have an idea how I might do it now, I don’t think I’ll do it too soon, lol.
That’s all for now, got some stuff on my mind I need to bounce off someone, but until I do I’ll keep it off the blog.
Take care world and Happy New Year!
Shopping and Partying (all over again)
So this last weekend it was time to do the last bit of Christmas shopping. I had to pick up something for my mom (Cindy) who was the last one left on my list, so I ventured out to the mall. Luckily when I was down in Oregon for the wedding, I found out that she needed some new gold ball earrings. Yay, something I know she needs! Once I started shopping, I saw 10kt gold earrings that seems pretty expensive (70% off but still a lot of $) and decided to shop around for a bit. Oh man… there were so many different sizes and qualities! The best I found was 14kt solid gold earrings, and there were about 4 different sizes of balls, so I hope the one I ended up getting is the size she wants :X I spent $50 at Fred Meyer Jewelers, and definitely held on to the receipt in case she wants to get a different size, lol.
After shopping I made a quick detour to the food court to grab some food. I was starving since I haven’t been shopping in ages, so I made a stop by Sarku Japan. Man… that place is so good! Soba noodle Teriyaki chicken with double meat?? Yes please! That is all, haha.
After I got all this done I was much more relaxed and ready to go. I finished Kimmi’s project, packaged everything up, then shipped everything on its merry way!
This past weekend resulted in 2 activities. The first night (Friday) was a trip hanging out with Sherry Mae for a bit doing some shopping, dinner with her and her boyfriend, and then dinner (again!) with Arthur and Michael before we went to see The Hobbit. We didn’t watch it in 3D IMax, so honestly I’m probably going to go back and watch it again in the 48fps version :X hahaha, I’m such a nerd sometimes.
Saturday was the party night this week. We were supposed to go to a boat party from 4-7, but that got cancelled due to engine issues, so instead we settled on only partying once that night. This weekend it was Stacy’s birthday, whom we don’t see very much but Arthur still keeps in pretty close contact with. The party night was Gameworks, so I brought the bottle of vodka that’s been slowly worked on the past few weekends, a 2 liter of Coca-Cola, and made it downtown.
Mike, Jini, and I got there early to grab some food and got the package deal for an entrée and 2hr gamecards. The food was good, but it was mostly there for the sake of preventing alcohol hitting too fast or too hard, haha. It was a lot of fun, everyone got pretty drunk, but I somehow managed to drink the right amount where I was smiling but not drunk or obnoxious, lol. Woke up this morning feeling wonderful 😀
Not too many pictures this last weekend, but it was lots of fun and worth talking about.
Next time: Project Update #2!
Short blog update
I need to put something up here, so how about a quick recap?? I figure something beats nothing, right? I sure hope so, because that’s what we’re doing, haha.
So what has happened since the last update? Well, there was a birthday for Miss Trang Nguyen. She turned… 24? It was a really defeating day, as I was left wandering the mall alone a few hours before the party. The birthday was fun, and then some random guys threatened to fight me in the elevator. Nothing came from that though and overall it was a good night.
The next thing up was my mom’s wedding! I’ve been waiting 20+ years for this, so it was a really great event! It was small, with only 18 people total at the entire ceremony, but it was incredibly sweet and I was so happy to finally have my 2 moms legally married.
Today I finally finished all of my Christmas shopping, and that’s a relief to be finished with. From this point on if I see something I want to buy for someone then I can grab it, but nothing necessary :p. Unless I go to the white elephant party that I just remembered about… Dang it. We’ll see, I think it’s Christmas eve, so I’ll probably pass.
More updates to come when I’m not at work!
Quick project update before my trip
So I’m leaving for my mom’s wedding in the morning, but I realized I haven’t had a blog update in a while. I know this is password protected for now, but I’ll have it open to everyone when I finish with the project.
While browsing Hobby Lobby for some googly eyes, I saw the Sculpey clay section, and it struck me that maybe I could make something! I’ve been impressed by everything Kimmi has made, and while I know I couldn’t do anything that awesome, I figured I could throw something together for Kimmi. I picked up some pink, green, and black clay and went on my merry way.
After I got home with the clay I realized I had NO idea what to make, haha. I thought about it for a while, then figured a dragon-type thing might be cool. I started looking around online at pictures of dragons and don’t like most of what I saw. Eventually I came across one that stuck out to me, so I drew away and started designing the dragon. I never do prep work before art, so this step alone was a whole new world for me!
I tried to draw it with legs and arms, which is on the back of the paper, but I couldn’t get it to look how I wanted, and figured I might not be good enough to pull that off, haha.
After this I pulled the photo into photoshop and did a rough mockup of how I think the model would look. Because I don’t like the photoshop tools vs illustrator, I didn’t put all the details in. I think it’s a good rough sketch, but I think I will change the proportions when I go to make it. I’m paranoid about how bad I’m going to be at this but I hope I can do well!
I also got some cheap clay tools from daiso, so hopefully I can make this all work out!
Rykun's ramblings 
You must be logged in to post a comment.